So tonight, I asked up to Spirit again for me to watch something that would help me heal something in my life, and they didn’t let me down.
Ever seen it?
Well I won’t spoil it for you, but I resonated so much with the lady’s battle, from my own life back in 2003.
My life was going ok, I had an £18K accounts role, my relationship wasn’t fab, and I said to myself that at least if anything ever happened, I knew I would be able to look after myself financially.
And then life hit.
I got RSI (repetitive strain injury) and ended up not even being able to hold my arm in fresh air without it being so painful I was on max Ibuprofen daily and in tears with the pain and fear.
I went to the doctors.
They told me I had to use the hand/arm or I would lose it, as the muscle would waste.
But I explained to them that I was in pain even holding it in fresh air, so how would I know what was causing damage and what was just hurting but was ok to do. They couldn’t tell me. Again, they just said, use it or lose it (way to go to set up fear in someone!).
So out of fear of doing the wrong thing, i didn’t use my hand. Top that with being told to use a neoprene wrist support which cut off the blood supply, and therein I landed at my physio appointment.
My curled up fingers laid on the table, she asked me to extend my fingers as much as I could.
They didn’t move.
I had lost the use of my left hand completely.
In a matter of about 2 weeks.
I couldn’t dress myself, brush my hair, lift myself up, cook, bathe, or even put sun lotion on when I tried to go for a walk to keep my spirits up. My partner worked away, so I was on my own. I couldn’t even lift my cat Phoebe to have cuddles. My right arm suffered, because it was being overused to do everything, and I felt very helpless at my sudden removal of basic freedoms and the things we take for granted.
Moving time forward, my physio managed to get my hand working again but to this day, if I curl my left fingers up they are on a slant, compared to my right, and I can still get pains down the side of my thumb and wrist, and in my arms and neck if I do too much repetitive work.
A lasting memory of an incident that led to so much loss, grief, hurt, anger, change and loss of identity you would not believe.
The physio told me that if I ever did work with computers again I would need wrist rests and be ergonomically setup, and likely would not be able to ever do continuous keyboard work ever again. So my roles in accounts, credit control were over. No more £18K salary for me.
I lost my job as I could no longer do accounts work. I couldn’t even work on a computer at all. I stopped doing all my creative pursuits, as to do for just 2minutes and put them down was more painful than not to do them at all.
But it hurt. Deeply. And that side of my life has never really resumed.
But tonight, that film has helped me to become more aware of the unhealed traumas and to begin to take action, here and now.
I was off work for a good year. I tried to go back into retail to stop myself from feeling completely useless. I couldn’t do it. I still got the pains. I beat myself up something proper. Another loss of job role.
My body developed Fibromyalgia somewhere around that time! Often seen as one trauma too many that breaks the camel’s back. Enough said about that.
Eventually, I tried doing office work without computers, thanks to a wonderful Council where I lived who needed someone and I fitted the bill. That worked.
2 years on, I then got some office work with a small dash of computer work and just about handled it.
Then we moved. I tried to do retail again hoping things may have been improved. Despite declaring my Fibro, I got dismissed unfairly for having it and i took that further, as my role was temp work but there was someone there with a permanent disability. She was my witness and all parties involved were horrified at the bullying that had ensued during my time there.
After that, I managed to get some cleaning work. It felt like I had taken so many steps backwards, and at the time, very demeaning, but work was work, and I certainly don’t see it as demeaning now. My ego has left the building on that one!!
And from there I went into admin, gave up the cleaning and over time managed to get back to part-time with lots of breaks and variety in my work, albeit sometimes feeling the RSI flare and have to come away and do something else.
I was no longer free. There was always that RSI tapping me on the shoulder in the background.
It still is, but I vow to heal it doing the work I do on myself.
But that incident created so many losses and so many emotions over the time – loss of my identity free of pain and limitations I didn’t want. Loss of a 14yr relationship and that identity because I had time to reflect, think and see what was. Loss of creative pursuits. Of my identity in work, doing accounts, credit control – I loved it! Hurt for the way I was treated by the medical profession, my colleagues, my boss, being so scared, and feeling so alone. There was anger, frustration, pain itself, stress (my partner was made redundant 3 times whilst I was off sick and we wracked up £21k of debt just trying to pay rent and the other essentials).
Since the 1st incident I have had 2 more major RSI flares – one when we had been made redundant from the vets and I had got another job which I was promised would have enough variety. It didn’t.
Again, I was in a position of being alone, scared, vulnerable, not able to make my bed, hold a 4pt of milk, chop veg, clean litter tray, and more, but luckily i had support from my parent to bring in someone that could help with some tasks. But this time, I had it all the way up one arm, up my neck and down the other arm and hand.
When I had it a 3rd time, I listened to the message, stop trying to get an admin role. And thus begun my journey to find a job that could hopefully allow me to feel useful, worth something.
And I love the work that i do now. <3
I still get flares.
I still have to use wrist rests
I can’t work on the laptop on my lap like others. It has to be setup like a pc would be.
I do have to be careful with how much pc work i do, and yes that includes this post.
I have had several people work on it, but to no avail, and I often feel it is because I still have something to learn or heal. Some message to heed, or part of my nervous system to heal.
My creativity has never returned to the same capacity….yet.
My lacemaking pillow sits growing dust. I have tried, but the joy is no longer there…yet. It may never be. I may have moved on from it.
And this isn’t a pity post, this is real, raw, info that just from watching a film, I have resonated so much with her battles and brought awareness to just how big a deal and trauma that all was, as up to now, I had probably been unconscious of or denied just how bad it actually was.
I hadn’t known about tapping or energy work at that time.
I wish I had.
But I do now.
And I realised tonight, how there are many, many parts of that story that hold grief, frustration, despair and anger, and tonight was the first of many sessions on myself to help release as many aspects of those 3 influential years and the times that have followed.
It is not the only healing I have been guided to in the last week, and several childhood experiences have also been worked on. This is the time. The universe is pushing us all to release these traumas, these stories that are holding us back, and wanting us to heal, to be the best person we can be at any given time. And I’m all up for that.
So if there is something YOU resonate with either from my post, or a scene in a film that triggers an emotion and reminds you of a childhood event or any experience not yet healed, consider how you can look to heal it – You Tube tapping videos, energy healers, acupuncture, me with the energy work i do, another therapist…..
Just begin to take action to heal it.
You are too valuable not to.
I love me in all her entirety, and I will do anything to help her heal as much as possible.
Do the same for YOU. Your little girl or boy inside of you, that just wants to create magic, play, have fun, be present, enjoy the simple things in life, live for the moment, experience joy.
I’m off now to sleep and process the tapping shifts I have had already. Lots of yawning whilst tapping, a sign of release, and now feeling tired with it. So night from me. <3